Ozzy Man Reviews: Gym Fails #2


Okay, ladies and gents, I’ll give it to you straight. The gym is trying to bloody kill you. Here’s a bench press that wants to murder a young man. The barbell is like “do you enjoy your beating heart? What about these organs, champ? Let me crush ‘em!” yeah nah you don’t watch the rest. This sheila reckons she can show the weights who’s boss. She can’t. She ends up pretzeled on the floor and in need of a mid-strength beer. A spotter can help protect you from the evil gym. Be sure to choose someone you are intimately close with. Someone who isn’t afraid to get inside your personal sweaty space. Yeah, these blokes are right up in each other’s tone zone. This is a great way to conquer the gym equipment. Fantastic teamwork. Imagine the smell, though. Actually, don’t. Oh nooo the gym is starting to fight back. The nature of the monkey bar is irrepressible. The bloke in the blue shirt is trapped in a death grip! His mate thinks it’s funny because he doesn’t understand how bad exercise can be. Yeah nah he’s choking. He’s passing out. The beefcake on the exercise bike rushes into help. I reckon it’s too late. He’s dangling like a ragdoll. Ah nah he’s laughing. He thinks almost dying is funny. His shirt is definitely cactus. That is one soul the gym has claimed. You reckon that was an isolated event? It wasn’t. Here’s another piece of gym equipment doing the same choke hold. He’s FUCKED! This is the epitome of that movie drag me to hell. A crevasse has opened up in the floor and the gym is devouring this sheila. It’s like that Floor is Lava trend. She has to keep doing chin ups in order survive. This one is horrific. The equipment and the floor gang up to smack her in the face. This seems simple enough, the hammer throw. Ya warm up, ya gain momentum, ya spinny spin around and ya let go. Well, what if the hammer throw thingy doesn’t let go of you. He bloody failed to think of that didn’t he. Some gyms are more sadistic than others. They don’t just wanna kill you, they want you to experience pain and torture and constipation the next day. (Loud shouting under pressure). Yeah, she’s delirious. She’s checked out mentally. I mean, yeah, she has abs, but was worth it. Was worth it. I think me and my fan base know the answer. The treadmill is the worst. It has no ethics. It will speed up on little old ladies outta nowhere and drop them on their fuckin’ face. Just stick to the simple equipment, like this guy, low risk. Actually, here is some rare footage of a human murdering the gym. He is splitting that barbell in half using the power of his shoulders, neck and beard. Seriously, Bruce Willis in Unbreakable can piss off. This is the strongest bloke in the world. We found him. He’s even stronger than my Dad. He’s got good sportsmanship and compassion too. He’s trying to put the barbell back to bed, just let go of it mate. Let it lay on the ground with its guts out. Gym: 10 million wins. Humans: 1. Yeh

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